Good Ol’ Jonzie

There was always something weird about ol’ Jonzie. For one, why did I call him ol’ Jonzie if he wasn’t old? Secondly, he was always rushing around the house, thinking we didn’t notice him. Every time any of the family walked by he’d jump into a door frame and I swear I’d hear him say ‘invisible’ or maybe it was just a loud grunt.Read More »

How To Survive The Dog Uprising

Dogs are great. They are truly man’s best friends, but no best friendship is complete unless you have an elaborate plan in the case that your friend goes insane. It’s just what friends do. But let’s all be honest, we’ve seen the way they eye ball the treats, their cute little eyes saying ‘I love you Dan, but I swear to God I’d cut you for some more of those them there treats’.Read More »

Master and Deathsxore

Master and Deathsxore were known for their light attitude, their ability to turn anything into a joke, and there murder trials, but did you know there was more to Master and Deathsxore then meets the eye?

Master grew up in an uptown household, as one of 19 children it was difficult for Master to stand out from his brothers and sisters. Which also explains why he has such a stupid name like Master, 19 kids are difficult to name. So what he did was every night he would cut away one inch of his siblings legs and tie it all back together. By the end of the year he was the tallest by 2 feet. And after he got back from Juvie (which he was sent to because c’mon! He was chopping off the other kids legs!) his Mother and Father noticed him very much. Because of their fear in him.Read More »

Remember The Party

It has come to our attention that apparently you do not like us very much, well that is fine, because we don’t like you. We got your note in the letter saying “You guys are the worst.” and “Give us our toaster back.” and we’re sending this note to tell you, no.

Are we the worst? Think about it. Were we really so wrong to come into your home for a dinner party and invite our own guests? And then pretended like it was our home? And then begin looking in your safe for the papers so it could really become our home?Read More »

Detectives Incorporated

It was a dark night, a darkness caused by the lonely minds of the people on the train. And also because we were inside, and it was an overnight train so the lights were out. It was dark but also cold, because of the coldness of the hearts of the train people, and also because the heater went out.

This is what I look like on the train. Only more handsome.

It’s not easy being a detective, let me tell you. People are always like “Help me found out who killed my son!” or “I lost my lipstick, can you find it?” or “Please get out of the way sir, this ride is only for children.” Sometimes, as a detective, your tired of always solving crimes because you can’t solve the most complex crime of all. Love. And also the Zodiac killer. That’s a complex crime too.

Yes sirree. Sometimes I think of this dame I met. She was all like “help me solve the murder of my husband!” Sometimes when it’s dark out I think to myself “Wouldn’t it be nice if I was her husband? And also wouldn’t it be nice if she didn’t kill me like she killed him?”

That’s the problem with being a detective, your always in too deep. You know people too well. Like my ex-girlfriend Amanda. I knew she was in it just for my inheritance the second that she told me she was in it just for my inheritance.

Now that you understand what it’s like being a lonely detective on a cold, dark train, would you do me a favor? How about a job? I’d really like to get into the detective business.

A Robot’s Guide To Pretending To Be Human


We’ve all been there, our software’s been updated, our human killing arm/buzz saw has been removed for “gross overuse”, and we’re in a real vulnerable place. I’ve been there myself in fact.

It’s the type of situation where you’re real likely to get hammered, but maybe because you’re so vulnerable instead of going to the hammer factory, you end up at a human bar. And the crazy thing about humans is they just accept you, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a robot or not. And then later you try and explain that to your wife that it was an accident, and she just laughs at you and says that “you’re not a robot, and ever since you attatched a buzz saw to your hand and called it a ‘human killing arm’ I’ve been having an affair with our neighbor Steve because he isn’t mentally ill.”Read More »

Don’t You Hate It


Don’t you hate it when you forget what you were talking about? Like you’re coming in from outside and you see your friend Kevin and you were pretty sure you had something to tell him, but then you’ve forgotten. So you talk about the impact of trains on American culture, and then right as a bear is about to attack you and your friend, you remember that you were going to warn him about a bear.Read More »

Frigid Freedom and Other Games Played in Soviet Russia


As we all know, Soviet Russia was primarily know for it’s ability to have fun and games, so I figured now is a time better than ever to bring to light some of the most popular Soviet Union past times.

1. Frigid Freedom. It’s one of those classic games that stemmed from an overwhelming desire to be somewhere else, and ended up becoming one of the largest organized sports leagues in Russia. The entire point of Frigid Freedom, is to wait outside and hope someone shoots you so you can go to a hospital and at least be warm for a little while. It may not sound like much, but some players got so good at it that they managed to get shot nearly 1 out of every 10 times.Read More »

Secret Trial

Probably the greatest achievement of the Pablian dynasty would have to be it’s use of a Secret Trial. A secret trial was the most prestigious, but also most difficult thing that a Judge could pull off.

It would usually begin like so. The Judge could pick a single person to inform of the secret trial. Normally this would be a member of the jury or someone involved in the trial, but occasionally a judge would try something different and ask somebody completely unrelated, like an aunt, or possibly some kind of circus performer. It’s really up to them.Read More »