The Gopher Wars

I’ve seen a lot of suffering in my life. I’ve seen pain, blood, and a miscommunication that resulted in someone getting me LOW FAT ice cream. I mean, why even try?

But none of that matches up to the pain and suffering that happened during the gohper wars! What are the gopher wars you ask? Well let me ask you this, what aren’t the gopher wars?Read More »

My Long Lost Friendship

Sometimes when it’s dark and cloudy in the night, and also it’s raining, and also snowing, I think back to my time with Frightman. We had some good times together him and I. He was the type of guy who would make you a sandwich in the morning, even when you didn’t ask him to. No, scratch that. Especially when you didn’t want him to.Read More »

Advice Column


By Jennifer Smeegul


                Hi Jennifer! I’m a longtime fan, we met at an advice convention a couple of years ago, and I gave you my information. I was just wondering, can I have my identity back?

                Hello. I’m sorry to say, but it doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page. You seem to think I stole your identity and will give it back, and I seem to think that I stole your identity and I won’t give it back. Let’s agree to disagree.

Read More »

The Neighborhood is Going To Crap


Let’s be honest, our neighborhood has gone to crap. It used to be this lively place. The kids would stay out all day playing with each other and the doing their best to avoid the minor radiation leaking out of the sewers.

But then things changed. They cleaned out the sewers. They took out the dead bodies from our air conditioning system that gave our street that classic smell. They arrested all the drug dealers and forced the kids to go to school.Read More »

When I was a Spy

When did everything get so hectic? I ask myself as I look at my family rushing about their day. My beautiful wife Veronica, and my two kids. And then I remember they are not my family, but actually just a family I’ve been spying on. Life is funny like that. Ha Ha Ha.

You may be wondering how I got into spying on young families. Sometimes I wonder as well, but then I remember I don’t have to wonder because it happened to me. I just have to recall the memory.Read More »

Good Ol’ Grandpa


What’s the word on the street? My grandfather would always ask. Little did he know that our street gang had transitioned away from words, and had gotten more into break dancing while singing show tunes. I didn’t have the heart to tell him this, so I told him that his gang was in good hands. When he asked ‘Who’s Hands?’, I told him that it was my hands, and then he said ‘I thought you said they were in good hands.’Read More »

The Town Race Car

A lot of small communities don’t have much in the way of public transportation, but they solve this by lending each other their bicycles and sometimes their cars if they can afford them. Not in my little farming community though. Here in Clearwater, AX, we have a race car.

Not just any race car, but a red one. Yes, sure. We probably could have spent that money on building a well close to our farms, but we’ve got the children of the town, and if they’re not good for carting around hundreds of pounds water, what are they good for?Read More »

My Ghost Problem

Ghosts have been a part of humanities culture from the beginning, we’ve used it as a way to cope with death as well as a way to scare little children into giving us their candy.

My problem is, where have all the ghosts gone? Do you remember how it used to be? You could just walk down the street and you were basically guaranteed to get haunted by some kind of spectral presence. It used to be that you could never feel lonely, because you knew that you were only one stormy night away from a ghost attack. That’s what it was like before the turn of the century.Read More »

Why Am I So Cold? And Other Philosophical Ponderings


Why am I so cold? Is it because of racism? Is it because of the coldness of how we treated the Native Americans? Or is it because there is a snow storm outside and I accidentally broke the heater while imitating a Native American tribal dance?

Why is it so warm? Is it because of a feeling of love and kinship for my fellow man, or is it because the broken heater has now started a fire and I am trapped in my bedroom with the flames licking at me?Read More »

How to Turn a Stalker Into A Friend

A lot of people are initially freaked out when they discover that they have a stalker, as they should be. For some reason or another stalkers have always had a negative connotation about them. There is this entire idea that a stalker is not a good guy, but the thing is we don’t know that to be true. Every stalker is unique, as is their reason for stalking. Maybe they’re just trying it as a hobby, or maybe they’re just trying to pay the bills for their baby. Who are you to judge?Read More »