Advice Column

Hi, I’m Jennifer Smeegul, and I’m here to give you all the advice for your drab boring lives.

               

Hi, I’m Leonard Barnaby, my problem is that my wife doesn’t seem to be as excited about our relationship as she used to. Do you think this has anything to do with the fact that she’s dead?

                Leonard! It’s good that you’ve already analyzed the problem. I’d say the best way to save your marriage is to become famous or rich. Do you have any rich relatives you can cozy up to and once you’re in their will you can kill? If not, do you have a baby you can spend all day filming, waiting for something interesting to happen? What about a trampoline. Jump on a trampoline for 3 hours while filming. I’m sure that will help, as the attention you’ll get will cause your wife to cling on tight to your rising star.

Hey Jennifer! I’ve got a real problem on my hands. There’s a girl I like, but I’m not sure whether she likes me. Do you think she’d like me more if I pretended to be an omnipotent being from another dimension?

                Anonnymous, I can only give you some basic advice that your mother should have given you years ago. Never base a relationship on a lie. Unless it’s a lot easier to pull off. An omnipotent being is something that will be difficult to convince her of, but go with something like ‘renegade cop’ or ‘superhero who’s lost their powers’ or ‘part time big-foot’. I recommend the latter, it’s how I met my husband.

 

I’m a single mother living in the city. How can I find a man while balancing my children, my high pressure job, and my wacky zany friends? Also I’m a vampire.

                It sounds like you’re in a tough situation. The best I can do is recommend How to Fake Your Own Death. If that doesn’t work out, I suggest you record all the hilarious hijinks that ensues, and then write it into a TV show. Then you can buy love, like us rich folk do.

 

I’m a horse. Help?

                Have you tried really hard to not be a horse?

 

Hey Jennifer! Todd here. I need to ask you some advice. How can I get my wife and my mistress to get along better? Family events have been very difficult! They’re always fighting, undermining each other, or poisoning each other’s drinks! The kids aren’t having fun either! I just want the woman I love and also my wife to get along!

                That’s a real predicament you’re in there Todd. And good for you, most people with a name like Todd would never be able to find anyone that loved them, let alone two people. Now Todd, I need you to realize who’s problem this is. It’s something you have to figure out yourself. Let me just give you a hint, it rhymes with the wife. She needs to get over herself. I recommend becoming a dancer, so you can express how you feel by dancing.

Jennifer Smeegul is a strong independent woman who thinks she is better than the rest of you. If you’d like to contact her, send a carrier pigeon. She’s not quite sure how they work, but that’s the only way to contact her. Or if you have any advice needs you can email the crazy man who lives in her attic: paul.barrel.of.laughs@gmail.com