My Ghost Problem

Ghosts have been a part of humanities culture from the beginning, we’ve used it as a way to cope with death as well as a way to scare little children into giving us their candy.

My problem is, where have all the ghosts gone? Do you remember how it used to be? You could just walk down the street and you were basically guaranteed to get haunted by some kind of spectral presence. It used to be that you could never feel lonely, because you knew that you were only one stormy night away from a ghost attack. That’s what it was like before the turn of the century.

Now of days, this ‘person’ is as likely to be giving you a hug as brutally murdering you.

Now though, it takes me hours while saying the names of all the worst demons as well as covering myself in pigs blood, trying to summon my dead friend Kevin, and still I only feel a slight breeze. We’re still not even sure if that’s correlated because I did the entire thing in the Windy Valley.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the documentary Poltergeist, but that’s what it used to be like before I was born. People were just getting haunted all the time and it was great, only minor characters were getting hurt. Even in 1999 the Sixth Sense came out. Kids could see ghosts back then! Now, I’m not sure how this Shyamalan character managed to film the entire thing, but boy is it impressive!

Now, my friends and psychiatrists are always telling me that those are in fact Movies, and there are no such thing as ghosts, but then I point out the Blair Witch Project and then they tell me to grow up, and then I tell them no, and then they give me a lot of medication.

The very spot where Kevin died. Not by a ghost I might add, he just popped a grape in the air and tried catching it with his mouth. And then he was mauled by a bear.

I think we should go back to a time when just going downstairs during the evening was liable to get you killed, when ghosts would haunt people just because you built your luxury condo on their home, and a time when my dead friend Kevin was still able to communicate with me. Because he owes me five dollars.